No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm at about main and main street
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
