My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
