I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
this beer tastes like vomit already
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
