I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Randomize
