Only a mothe r could love this liver
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
