I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
