My cat gives me a boner
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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