I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
