Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
