I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
