so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
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She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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