I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
