I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
