trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
