if you like me you must not know who I am
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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