there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
