If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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