Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
