note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
