it's not cheating when I paid for it
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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