Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
