I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
