i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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