I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
