we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
