He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
