so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You have to summon your inner elephant
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
