i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
A+ Viking dick
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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