I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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