I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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