I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
