tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
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Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
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And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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