Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
