having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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