Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
