I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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