Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
how drunk are you?
Several
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
