he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
