sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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