Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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