You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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