Well apparently he's into motor boating.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
