just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
