I can tuck mytits in my pants
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
