I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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