so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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