you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
