Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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