So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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