Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Are my feet made of real feet?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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