Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
