Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
