I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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