that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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